Counting Crows
by Oldwickedsongs
Summary: *Completed* Set after Fading Light: only took an hour to start a war, and 15 minutes to betray everyone he loved. Ridden with guilt and despair Snape is a man defeated and the only one who can reach him is the woman who made him a Death Eater. plz R/R
1. Murder of Crows

Author's Note: First off you know Snape, Dumbledork or any other true Harry Potter character isn't mine. Jacqueline and the others are...yadda yadda...making no money, etc. Secondary, this story has gone through major revamping so forgive. So please enjoy and r/r.

**Counting Crows**

by: Lady Erised

  
_"Here in your arms where the world is impossibly still  
With a million dreams to fulfill  
And a matter of moments until the dancing ends  
Here in your arms when everything seems to be clear  
Not a solitary thing do I fear  
Except when this moment comes near the dancing's end."  
-- Until, by Sting_

It was through the plumes of opium smoke that Jacqueline first caught sight of the Dark Prince's infidelity. It was at a party being hosted by Silas Malfoy and as usual with Silas' galas illegal drugs flowed as freely as the expensive wine. Sweet opium smoke wafted through the air creating a surreal haze that made the senses lie and as much she wanted to believe, she knew she couldn't. 

It had happened very quickly. The Dark Prince had entered the room with blood on his mask. He had pulled off his mask and threw it at Silas who caught it, laughing. Severus had smiled weakly and thanked Jacqueline for the brandy she brought him. He walked straight up to Voldemort and collapsed next to his master. 

Voldemort had been handsome and alive at that time and he leaned down and patted Severus' on his shoulder. "Hail the conquering hero." 

"I'm tired milord." Severus deadpanned, keeping his eyes on the beautiful woman around Voldemort. They were the Valkyries, Voldemort's personal detail of bodyguards/ lovers. His eyes lingered on Voldemort's Filipino lover, Melanie Reyes for a moment longer. "Please my I retire early?" 

Voldemort nodded. Severus smiled and rose, his hands falling to his sides lazily. As he passed Melanie, she reached out and brushed it. Their eyes met as he walked away. A moment later, Melanie excused herself and followed him.

Jacqueline watched all this and chewed on her lip, thinking. She had created Severus but was she powerful enough to destroy him? 

------ Twenty Years Later--- 

It was called the list. Sometimes it was long; other times it had only a handful of names. Once it had over fifty names on it on one day and on another day there had been only one name. But everyday the list came out, the list of those wounded, killed or missing in action. It was published every morning in the Daily Prophet and posted by Professor McGonagall on the doors of the Great Hall. The children were always the first to flock to the list scanning the names for names that sounded familiar. Teachers usually crept up to the list searched for love ones when they were sure no one was looking. 

Today there was one name on the list everyone in Hogwarts was saying: Harrison Delacroix, Slytherin Prefect and seventh year. He had been Cedric's best friend. Murdered by the Dark Prince while trying to defend his family, according to the papers. Severus Snape had addressed his House and they were excused from classes for the day. Potions had also been cancelled although no one could enjoy it. Draco Malfoy seemed to be most affected by Harrison's death considering Delacroix came from a fine, long stock. He even stopped teasing the Gryffindor students. 

Snape was in his classroom, sitting at one of the benches peeling roots for classes next week. They needed to be soaked two days before the new moon, during it and two days after. The small paring knife he used was almost hidden in his hand. He was staring hard into the root, slicing at it with sheer energy devoid of his usual skill he exercised with even the most trivial chore. He sliced down hard and took some skin with it. 

"Devil, take it all!" He cursed, recoiling. He was watching the blood slip over his fingers when he heard someone laugh. He turned and glared. 

Astra Sinistra leaned against the doorway and smiled slightly. She didn't ask him if he was ok because she knew better. If Severus wanted to share, he would, in his time, in his way and not a second before. Taking a cue from his silence, Astra walked into the classroom and straight to his first aid kit. She instructed him to sit while she tended to his cut. He surrendered to her care without words, allowing himself another silent reflection. She bandaged his index finger and kissed it. 

Snape ran his hands over his hair then over to his chin where he was nursing a beard, trying not to look embarrassed. She liked his goatee and his shyness. It was sexy. She sat down next to him and picked up a knife. Severus looked at her and smiled. He picked up his knife again and started to peel. 

"This is a private party?" Remus Lupin asked as he entered. 

Snape looked up and motioned to a root. "Grab a knife and start peeling." 

The Defense against the Dark Arts teacher complied. Together the trio peeled roots for about two hours content to be in each other's presence. Then finally Snape spoke. 

"I knew people would die, just not him…" He suddenly deadpanned. "I remember him coming to me asking permission to leave school to attend Marcella Fudge's memorial. He had to get permission from me because Dumbledore wouldn't allow it unless I gave my blessing. We had a argument." He smiled slightly. "Harrison was the first Prefect in years willing to fight with me. I was furious at him. He was trying to enter Holm College of Apothecary- he was so talented. I told him in his final year getting behind in his studies would be suicide. He told me some things were more important, like being with Minister Fudge during this hard time." 

There was a longer silence. "Voldemort called for the attack. I tried to convince him it was ludicrous. I had brought the Ministry to its knees in 45 minutes. I had started a war for him. But he was persistence. I refused and paid for my refusal. He sent them out and attacked Harrison as he slept." He looked tired, very tired. "But I didn't kill him." 

"We know Severus." Remus whispered. "We all know." 

"He was just a boy- stupid, arrogant but still…" He inhaled quickly, swearing he wouldn't break down. Not here, not now, not ever. He was the Dark Prince and nothing could defeat him. 

After all, he was God. Isn't that how the story went? 

And then he heard it. It was a clear and crisp as it had been those years ago. He knew that voice, had yearned for it, had loved it, and kept it hidden. Now it filled the hall outside his classroom and he stood and ran to greet the voice. 

_"Daddy! Daddy, come and get me, come and hide me from mommy!" _

"Dora!" He called, running into the hall to see her, ignoring the fact she had been dead for years now. He heard her laughing down the hall and caught the back of her dress at it swished out of view. He smiled. "I'm coming, Dora." 

"Severus!" Someone caught his arm and for a second he expected to see the face of Billy Moore, his partner. He was surprised to see Remus. 

Remus was looking at him strangely. "Severus…who are you calling to?" 

Severus smiled. "Dora, my goddaughter, she's playing hide-n-seek again. She loves that game…" His smile faded as time and the past caught up with him. The realization of where he was and with whom filled him. He looked down the hall, broke away from Remus and turned it, expecting…what? Of course the hall was empty; Gryffindor and Ravenclaw were facing off for the Quidditch Cup. The Slytherin team had suffered with Snape's absent. He frowned. He knew he hadn't been hearing things but he also knew with the same resolve that Pandora Snape was dead. He had carried out her body himself. 

"Severus?" Astra's voice was filled with uncertainty and fear. "Severus…no one's here." 

"I heard her." He said dumbly. "I know I heard her…I saw her running away." 

"Sure you did, Severus." Remus was saying in a tone he knew and didn't trust. "Let's go find her." 

Snape spun and glared at him. "Don't humor me, Lupin." He hissed. "It couldn't have been her…but…" 


	2. One for Sorrow

Author's Note: I vaguely remember reading something similar to this chapter and the others that follow however no copying was intended or implied. As far as I know, this entire story came to me in a warped dream. =) Don't we all dream about Severus at least once in our lives and if not, don't you want to? Anyways- on ward!!

Green light. 

_No...._

Green light in the shape of something. 

_Don't make a sound...don't think about it..._

A skull. 

_No… _He thought, _it wasn't possible... _

Green light.

_Don't make a sound...just keep walking... _

Green light over his house. He looked up and saw the Dark Mark blazing over the house, his house. He had never felt fear like this before and he had faced Vampires and Werewolves. But he was afraid of the green light. 

"No." The man called Alexander Rouge said, pulling the last shreds of strength and running to his house. 

"Alex, don't go in there." Jude Remington pulled him back. The Auror was looking at his friend and keeping his hands planting firmly on his shoulders. "Don't go in there, Severus." 

He looked at Jude but didn't see him. He only heard him call him by his real name. That was all the Auror training that had been drilled into him needed to know his fears were true. "My wife!" He screamed out, pulling out of Jude's strong grip. "My wife, Dahlia! Dahlia! Dora!" Malachi Smith and Victoria Hawke tackled him. They forced him to the ground but he was still screaming into the house. "Billy!" 

His mind was taking tally. Seven Aurors, four Hit Wizards…where on earth where the damn med wizards?!? The Witches were already performing memory charms on the Muggle neighbors. His mind was spinning out of control. "Dora!" 

He turned his head and saw Jude helping another person pulled out a body on the stretcher. The arm was hanging limply off, it was that hand of Billy Moore, his partner. Following, could have only been the body of Dahlia Wyvern Snape, his wife. He closed his eyes and screamed. 

The next conscience moment he was aware of was him standing in the doorway to the child's bedroom. He made out the image of a sleeping child in the bed. Relief and joy flooded him. They had spared her. They had spared Dora. It was only a second later, the grim truth occurred to him. Dora wasn't breathing… 

It was Jude who found him. He was cradling the toddler in his arms on the side of the bed. Jude licked his lips and stepped in. "We arrived too late." 

"Quiet, Jude." He whispered. "You'll wake her." 

"Severus…" 

"Shh...we mustn't wake her. It takes forever to get her to sleep. She's afraid, you see. She's terrified of the dark." 

"Why don't you bring her outside, Alex?" Jude offered. "Remember? She was supposed to spend the night. Bring her outside." 

"She's asleep." 

"Take her outside." 

"No!" Severus jolted from his nightmare and wiped the tears from his eyes. He was straining for air. It had been a memory surfacing in the form of a nightmare. One he had buried deep inside. He wiped the sweat from his face and tried to not notice he was shaking. Wherever he was, it was dark and with the darkness was welcoming. In the darkness, he was comfortable. Safe.

Safe. 

Cold, private, dark and dank but save. That's all that mattered. Let the nightmares come…and the beatings…let them come with the Dementors and their Judas' Judgment…let them think whatever they wanted. In here they couldn't touch him.

In here, he was safe…

_ This wasn't real...it was a dream._

Severus shook his head, cursing the newest memory that entered his mind unbidden. It had been a nightmare. He swallowed hard. It had just been a dream. 

But he didn't dream. 

He rose from bed and walked to his desk. In the pitch black, he glided instead of groped through a well-rehearsed path. But it took him longer then usual. He was walking to steady himself. Pacing always helped. Focusing all his attention on making the proper muscles move to execute the task always helped him when he was in _there._

"No, Severus." He said to himself. "Don't think about that…just keep walking." 

_ It only took seven steps for him to walk from one side to the other. God, could it be that crapped? He imagined they would have at least given him a bigger cell._

Seven steps…count them.

_One…two…three…four _

_"Why'd you do it, Alexander?" _

_"Mr. Snape at what time did you, as Professor Dumbledore alleges, turn informant…" _

_"I trusted you!" _

_"Why?" _

_"When did you begin to feed information to Dumbledore?" _

_He's asking when did I become a traitor… _

_No…don't think like that… _

_Keep walking…count… _

_"Count with me, daddy!" _

_"Why do you call me that? I'm not your real daddy, Billy is. You know that." _

_"But you're my second daddy." She explained simply. Everything was simple with Dora and if they weren't simple. She made them simple, "Now count with me…" _

Severus slid into a large recliner near the windows of his room. He reached over and poured what was left of the amber whiskey out of the canter into the glass and downed it bitterly. He had already refilled that canter twice this afternoon; refusing to drink from a bottle, like a commoner. He smiled at his haughtiness. Then, after a quick trip to his desk, he gulped the Jack Daniels down carrying the album with him. 

Lighting a candle, he looked down at the picture opened on his lap. It was of a two-year-old girl, with dark hair and bright eyes, waving at him from her mother's arms. Beside the silken haired mother were two men both Aurors, one was Billy Moore, the other was a younger version of himself, nursing a goatee because it made him look older. He stared at the picture for a long time. 

"Count with me Daddy."

Snape swallowed hard. "Alright darling. Shall we count the crows? Say them with me…" 

"One for sorrow." Whispered a voice next to him. A pale hand, almost ivory because it was so pale and perfectly formed, reached out and touched his arm. 

He tensed, flinching under the touch but not pulling away. In his drunkenness, he inclined his head and stared at the hand then trailed the pale arm to a face. 

Pandora Snape smiled at him through wild curls of ebony. She tilted her head to the left when she smiled and her dimples shot straight to his heart. Her beautiful, small eyes seemed to shine more brightly when she smiled at him. She crawled into his lap and rested her head against his chest. Severus smiled dumbly, folding his arms over her and closing his eyes. Content to sleep now. 

It was noon when Severus finally felt someone jostle him awake. He could tell the time by the sun that was shining on his face through the windows. "Shit." He muttered, remembering last night's drunken binges and dreams. It was probably Remus or worst, Dumbledore, coming to check on him. He adjusted his mental clock and calendar. "Damn." He added with the realization that he had missed his only two classes that day. The jostling continued. He took a stab. "Alright, alright- I'm up Remus. Tell Albus, I'm up and sober." 

"Remus? Albus?" A sharp crisp laugh forced Severus to open his eyes, in shock at the recognition of the laugh. "Merlin's bread Alec, what or who on earth are you talking?" 

Any remnants of last nigh drunken binge at Hogwarts, if indeed it had been a drunken binge, were wiped from Snape's mind the moment he saw the speaker. 

The genteel but unremarkable face of Billy Moore stared down at him with a kind of confused-but friendly-puzzlement. "What's the matta?" The American asked. "Looks like you've seen a ghost." 


	3. Two for Joy

Author's Note: This story is moving very slow but please bear with me. Plz Read and review.

And suddenly time no longer existed for Severus Alexander Snape. Maybe he was dead, Severus thought, or maybe he was still asleep in some drunken stupor but neither mattered to him. Let him be dead or let him be fooling himself he could allow that. After all didn't enough people die by his hands already? Didn't he die enough times to finally earn this? 

He earned seeing his friends again, didn't he? If there was nothing else on earth he was allowed, couldn't this be it? He prayed to himself, pleading with God and even the devil to let this be real. 

Just this once. 

"Billy?" Severus whispered hoarsely. He rose slowly from his seat, studying, memorizing and even praising God, fate, or whatever being that controlled the destiny of man for this moment. 

Billy shook his head. "No. I'm that nice piece of Welch flesh you had last night, come to make you breakfast." The Auror shook smiled one of his boyish grins through strands of light brown hair. "Or perhaps I'm just a dream conceived by a man who wants to see his friends again…or needs too." A small, cryptic smile brushed his face again. He raised an eyebrow ever so slightly. "Follow me, Severus." 

Snape obeyed, following him down stairs into the kitchen. "Are you real?" 

"As real as you want me to be…" Billy said softly in a tone that the real Billy never would have used. It was sweet, kind but somber. And it rang desperately sad in Snape's ears. 

"Are you spirit or flesh?" He tried again. 

Dahlia Wyvern looked up at the same time he and Billy stepped into the small eating nook. "Call us sorrow." She whispered. She reached to put a plate in front of his seat before he actually took his seat. Severus reached out and grabbed her arm. 

Her arm was warm to the touch and because of his grip, her pink color turned white. She squirmed in his grip, playfully almost and he shuttered, recoiling and even fearful. He looked at her for a long time, fighting the tears in his eyes. 

A hundred things were running through his mind. Most of them were things he had never gotten to say to either her, Billy or… 

The laughter he could hear through the window broke his heart. 

"Dora…" He said, rising. He had intentions of running to see her but Billy grabbed his arm. 

Billy was looking into his eyes with a sadden expression. "Don't." 

"Why not?" Severus asked. He could hear Dora calling to him. 

"Because if you do, you'll never go back." The man let go of his arm and walked around the table to put distance between them. 

Severus was looking out the window. "I don't care." 

"Your work isn't done, Severus." 

"Wasn't Harrison's death enough?" Snape asked him. He hung his head, falling into the chair. His shoulder's slumped forward. "I can't do this anymore Billy, I don't know what to do anymore." He leaned forward. "Harrison's death was enough. He should have never died…" He looked at his partner. "Am I going insane?" He asked softly. "Is that why you're here?" 

The Auror shook his head no. "Who are we to you?" 

"You're my past." 

"Look beyond that…deeper then that." 

Severus' face darkened. "I don't understand."

"Don't understand or don't want to admit it…"

_He's asking when did I become a traitor… _

_Don't think like that… _

"What do you want Severus?" Jacqueline screamed.

Severus was pacing, his hands clinging firmly to his scalp, pulling at his hair to keep his mind off the pain he felt in his heart. Too much pain, too much for one man to bear; no man should bear this burden. "They shouldn't have died," He half-screamed, half-moaned. His pain was conquering him, drowning him. "Dora should have never died! It should have been me; I should have died instead of Billy! None of them should have died." 

"But they did!" She countered cruelly. "They did die and you're still here, so what do you want!" 

"I want to stop feeling the pain!" He finally howled, pulling his hands away from his scalp, taking hair with it. He stared into her brilliant wine-colored eyes and understood what she was asking. "I want to stop feeling. I want to stop by being controlled by Auror rules and codes. I fucking want revenge." 

"Then take it." She whispered, her eyes ablaze with cold hunger. "My master can give it to you. Take revenge against the Death Eater that killed your family if you must…or take revenge against the code that didn't let you mourn them. Take revenge for everything that they made you become since you were first born. No one has to die anymore, Severus, no one has to die unless you want them to." 

"What are you saying?" 

"Join us…" She pulled up her sleeve to reveal a hideous mark he had never seen before on human flesh. The Dark Mark gleamed up at him, the skull's eyeless sockets almost beckoning to him. "Avenge Billy, Dahlia and Dora." 

Severus took her arm into his hand. He traced the Dark Mark with his finger, following the serpent's tail to the left eye socket. He drew his finger across the eye three times- 

_One for Billy, twice for Dahlia and a final time for Dora… _

Three scars over his heart, which one-day would be worn over his eye, to perhaps show the world he was blind to their cries of suffering and pleas of mercy. 

"You are the reason I am who I am." Severus offered.

And Billy allowed that half-truth. "We are also what kept you sane, although you might not had known it. When you thought you couldn't go on anymore…we were there and you drew from us- our memory." Dahlia had walked over to her true love and placed a hand on his shoulder. "You protected our love, guarded our child and in turn we were your strength." 

"What are you saying?" 

"This is warning Severus, from some one who loves you." Dahlia continued. "Be careful because this time you won't just walk away." 

Snape lean forward and hid his head in hands. "I've tried so hard to do the right…"

She watched him as he slept, as he dreamed what she wanted him to dream. Her hood was pulled over her face, hiding it from the world. She was muttering under her breath the curse that kept him in his dream world, with her sendings. She pulled her hand away and briefly considered waking him. But she couldn't bring herself to do so. Instead, she leaned down and kissed her cheek before drying her eyes and walking out of his room. 

Choice Blade met her on the stairs. "You warned him didn't you?" 

"You know I had too." 

"How do you know it will help? What if he's dead either way?" 

She bowed her head. "Then this wouldn't have mattered." 


	4. Three for a girl

Author's Note: Alright, I have a confession to make: I have lost control of this story...it was suppose to have been a face off between father and son however, my muse had different plans. The direction this story has taken is interesting to say the least and is perhaps the closest I will ever write to a Snape romance, yes you heard me right: romance. Now before you come after me with pitchforks and torches bear in mind this is going to led directly into Mordred's appreance and the birth of Kaiya's puppy. I promise you there is more then meets the eye here. Onward!

Lucius Malfoy chewed on the inside of his lip uncomfortably. Besides him, his son Draco shifted uneasily himself. Severus stared at them both with a well-concealed hate and he even favored Draco with a small, knowing grin that disappeared a moment after before turning his full attention to Harrison's father who was speaking a breaking voice about his son. 

An afternoon sun was slowly beginning its descent into night at the cemetery, where Harrison was the newest addition to the elite buried there. Names adorned the grave markers like a list of the most influential and oldest families: Malfoy and Snape, Crouch and Hawke; and even hidden somewhere among the markers was the grave of one Peter Pettigrew. The Delacroix had invited a small group, mostly family friends, to the funeral but countless crowded just outside the gates like a silent vigil to the dying young. Perhaps the most poignant of the guests was Amos Diggory, the father of Cedric, he was sitting besides Harrison's mother letting the woman cry into his shoulder. 

"And finally," Dylan Delacroix concluded, "I asked Professor Snape for a favor, Severus, if you please?" 

He drew himself to his full height and patted Dylan's shoulder as he passed. He leaned over and whispered into his ear. Dylan nodded graciously before returning to his seat. Severus was left standing in front of the coffin alone. He began to speak but couldn't but he hid the failed attempt under a hand which rubbed against his chin and then into his pocket to retrieve the eulogy. He tried again. 

It was perhaps the cruelest of all Auror traditions: a fallen comrade was summarily wiped from one's mind. They no longer existed outside of memories that were never spoken of in public. Alexander Rouge had never had a problem with that tradition until now, as he stood in the rain preparing to bury the only family he ever loved. 

It was a cold and equally cruel winter and the white caskets that held his family were beginning to be muddied from the pools of rainwater forming around them. 

Alexander drew his hand across his chin and spoke, "Now, um, I'm suppose to say 'My partner died like an Auror' or 'She met her fate being an Auror's wife.' I'm suppose to say 'He was an honest man, and that he chose his path and walked it gladly' but I'm not going too because if I did, I'd be lying." 

Jude Remington shifted, a little, watching the begrieved friend. "Alex…" 

He smiled at Jude, inhaling deeply with his bottom lip trembling. "That's right, Rem, that right" He glanced at the assembled Aurors. "Because all you know me as is Alexander Rouge, my alias…my mask. The man who died was named Matthew Moore, but we all called him Billy because that was his mask; just some name pulled out of the sky and used like a protective shield. 

'It was the simplest way of not getting too close, I guess, we never know something as trivial as their real name so it's easier to forget them well this one, I'm not going to forget!" Severus nearly shouted, he bowed his head and tried to hold back his tears just long enough. "I'm not going to hide behind some mask anymore! His name was Matthew Moore, Matthew William Moore and he was my friend! Hers was Dahlia Wyvern." 

Jude was already pulling Severus away from the coffins but he pushed Jude away. "And hers!" Severus shouted frantically clawing at the smallest coffin, "Her name was Pandora Snape." 

"Come on Alex…" Jude whispered, pulling him back. "Lets go." 

"Say her name, Jude! Say it." 

"I don't know what you're talking about…" 

"Say her name! Say her goddamn name, you owe her that much! You owe Billy that much." 

"You're tried Alex, come on…" 

"Get your hands off me you fucking bastard." Snape spat, pushing Jude away. 

The Auror released him and stared into his eyes. "Lets go." 

"I'm not following you anymore, Remy." He looked around at the faces of the Aurors he barely knew. "I'm not hiding behind anyone's mask anymore." 


	5. Four for a boy

Author's Note: The poem used in this chapter is "To an Athlete Dying Young." by Alfred Edward Housmen. Enjoy...

_ Hiding behind an alabaster mask... _

"…It was a coward behind a mask that took away one of Hogwarts brightest stars…" Severus said a clear voice while his mind hurled accusations at him. "Someone who couldn't comprehend the light and the dignity that Harrison had just by being here…" 

_ Don't think about it… _

"He was a talented boy and one who would not have wanted us to mourn him…" 

_ You've always hidden behind a mask…haven't you Severus? That is all you are, a coward… _

Severus finally unfolded the paper. "I was asked to read this by the parents: 

_The time you won your town the race _

_We chaired you through the market-place; _

_Man and boy stood cheering by, _

_And home we brought you shoulder-high. – _

He had joined the Death Eaters out of grief, he argued. That had been the defense he fed to his shadow when it kept him up at nights demanding to know why. Most of the time, that feeble answer could appease him, but then there were the other times. 

_To-day, the road all runners come, _

_Shoulder-high we bring you home, _

_And set you at your threshold down, _

_Townsman of a stiller town. - _

Besides Harrison, how many faces had he known? How many people? He tried to think of all the names but the list was too long to remember. It made him sick to his stomach. 

_Smart lad, to slip betimes away _

_From fields where glory does not stay _

_And early though the laurel grows _

_It withers quicker than the rose. - _

He had betrayed so many it seemed. Harrison's death was as much his fault as it was the murderer's. And McKenna's death was his fault too. And Hawke's, and Cedric's even…Karkaroff, Raine, Potter, Fudge; the list could go on and on. All of them, on either side, were dead because of him. 

_Eyes the shady night has shut _

_Cannot see the record cut, _

_And silence sounds no worse than cheers _

_After earth has stopped the ears: - _

And why? Why had he become what he had? Grief seemed suddenly too small and too minute a reason about why he had become a murderer. His lost, however heartbreaking, had been small compared to what he caused: entire generations wiped out at his order… 

_Now you will not swell the rout _

_Of lads that wore their honours out, _

_Runners whom renown outran _

_And the name died before the man. - _

No reason seemed fair suddenly. Power, ambition, greed, even the fear of death seemed too ugly and pitiful an excuse. So his mind-his soul-demanded a reason on why he had allowed himself to become so base, so corrupt… 

_So set, before its echoes fade, _

_The fleet foot on the sill of shade, _

_And hold to the low lintel up _

_The still-defended challenge-cup. – _

What about love? But that was supposedly pure and incorruptible. Could love have driven him to the very edges of hell…could it had brought him back as well? Could a man who could destroy and ravage…could he possible love? And could a man brave hell for that love? Would he kill for it? Would he die for it? 

_And round that early-laurelled head _

_Will flock to gaze the strengthless dead, _

_And find unwithered on its curls _

_The garland briefer than a girl's." _

He folded the paper again and put it back into his pocket. He looked straight at Lucius and spoke. "Men cannot hide behind masks forever. One day, they'll slip and be discovered." 

The man who murdered Harrison regarded Severus with a curious gaze before turning towards the father and extending his condolences. But Severus didn't care, instead his feet led him to the three grave stones he most visited. 

"You know you never explained them fully to me…" Kaiya said softly from behind her father. 

Severus turned slightly and regarded his daughter who at the same time wasn't his daughter. He always considered her, scornfully so, the product of rape, the rape of his second wife Melanie by his once friend Silas Malfoy. He had never known for certain though, having made love to his wife earlier that night. Kaiya's true father was a mystery and one neither she nor him wanted answered. He had wanted to believe she was his daughter, as desperately as she had wanted him to be her father. That had always been his most deepest desire: to have family. 

"Billy was a lot like Neville Longbottom if you can believe it. He was never very good at being an Auror or even a Wizard. But he had a good heart, an innocent one too." 

"Just like Neville." 

Snape ignored her. "He was a Muggle born and almost one himself. It was a wonder he survived Hecate at all. But he loved Dahlia. She was a regular wild card, the kind of rich girl who ran off with her old friend Severus to America because she wanted adventure. She got pregnant by him but, and its ironic to think about now, she couldn't marry him. Our families, this entire upper class, would have never accepted a Mudblood Yankee as the heir to the Wyvern Estate and we all knew that." 

"So you married her?" 

He nodded. "It was expected of me to marry someone, ah, well to do, and she had found herself in an improper place. So I took her sin away, so to speak. The families were much more forgiving of a scene of indiscretion by the Heir of Akel Dama then by a Mudblood. We were over in the States so it was unlikely our little lie would be discovered. Billy and Dahlia moved into a little two story red brick, I took the bottom bedroom and Sabine Pandora Snape was born. I was a sort of godfather. It was an odd couple of years, raising Dora but a great tangled family." 

"She was two when she died, right?" 

"When Jacqueline killed her." Severus corrected, shuttering. "It was their deaths that caused me," He stopped. "That freed me from the Aurors. I could leave under a clear reason and enter in quietly to the Death Eaters." 

"So you let them die?" Kaiya exclaimed. "You let them…let her kill them! Is that what your telling me?" 

He didn't answer. 

"How could you? How could you have let them die?" 

He wanted to answer her with all his might but couldn't. Instead, he turned to walk away. 

_Don't make a sound..._

_ …just keep walking…_


	6. Five for Silver

Author's Note: Offhand, I think this is one of my favorite chapters to write. It was inspired by, believe or not, both Kabuki comics by David Mack and by a story I read recounting Vietnam POW's and their readjustment to normal life, (hence the bedroom scene at the end) will you please review and tell me what you think of this chapter? I'll hold the story hostage if you don't ::winks::

Voldemort, at the time of his most power, had been not so much handsome as he had been attractive. His was a kind of secretive attraction that women seldom admitted to enjoying. He lacked the rudimentary skills, however, to use this attraction to the best of his ability. He lacked even the most basic ideas of how to charm someone or skillfully execute a plan. He had a gruff, inartistic nature that never boded well with the aristocratic snobbery Severus enjoyed. 

But Voldemort was not stupid. Nor was he ignorant of his Dark Prince's contempt for both himself and other Death Eaters. Severus was arrogant and because of that, he felt shamed to be forced to work with, in his opinion, such incompetent hacks. Voldemort allowed this arrogance because Severus always delivered on his promises. He allowed it because as long as the Prince enjoyed his certain amount of snobbery, he was useful. 

So let Severus believe what he wanted to. 

The Dark Prince waited until he had been called before stepping into the room. As always the Prince was wearing his mask underneath his hood, a subtle reminder of his worth. Voldemort did a rare show of affection by rising from his chair and greeting the Death Eater. 

Severus stopped two paces in front of Voldemort to bow before taking his place by his right hand. "You called me milord?" 

"It is time for me to keep my promise to the Lestranges." Voldemort replied, walking. 

The Dark Prince regarded him curiously, choosing his words with great care. "Milord?" 

"It is time we broke opened the gates of Azkaban. It is time we freed those entombed within that ocean prison. Tell me what you know about it." 

"There are about as many wizards as Dementors there, all of the highest dueling caliber, stationed there. Their families make up a little community on the south side of the island." He ratted off the words with a strange, bitter tone. "Azkaban Fortress is similar to a Muggle army base in most respects, not easily conquered." 

"Are you questioning my judgment?" 

"No, milord just wondering who is taking on this bloodbath waiting to happen." 

"You are." Then in a cold after thought, Voldemort added. "Unless you wish to say anymore eulogies this year." 

"No; I shall obey." He paused. "The Aurors will be a minor headache but the Dementors?" 

"They are our natural allies, dear Prince. You give them what they above all and they will follow you." 

Severus felt a chill run up his spine. "You want me to give them the families? Milord, that is an entire community…" 

"As acute an observation as I have come to expect from you, Severus." Voldemort called him by his real name in a rare show. "Now go," The Dark Prince turned to leave and Voldemort waiting a moment before adding, "And I would suggest you not report this your Headmaster because if this is not a success there will be dire consequences." 

The Prince paused and stiffened. "Report it, milord?" 

"Oh, did you think I did not know about your regular and dutiful reports to your Headmaster. I must feel inclined to ask myself if my Prince would think himself so clever as to hide all from his Master." 

Severus' mind was racing. Voldemort hadn't killed him, yet, so that meant the Dark Lord was perhaps curious to see how he would react or just intrigued by his gall. Calling up all the strength he could muster, Severus sighed almost annoyed. "Ah, I see." He managed, knowing he had to trend lightly. "My Master is wise." 

"Don't grovel now, it's unbecoming." 

"Very well." He said lazily. "Then, this is a minor annoyance to me." 

And Voldemort laughed, a cruel and loud laughter that chilled blood but it reassured him that the Dark Lord wasn't going to kill him. Yet. 

"May I ask what my Lord thinks of this…news?" 

"That is a genteel way of asking if I think you a spy, is it not?" 

"In a manner of speaking." 

"No, Severus." The Dark Lord assured him in a fatherly tone. "I think you are my Dark Prince and with good reason. You care about nothing but your own ends and although you have grace and a genteel matter; you are at heart just like me. Your gains are contingent, not only on the pursuit of power but also on your ability to remain alive. At times, that means certain," He smiled carelessly. "Sacrifices must be afforded as a necessity." 

Severus stared at Voldemort and inclined his head, saying nothing more on the subject. "Azkaban will be yours milord." 

Voldemort watched his chief Death Eater go. Of all his supporters, there was none Voldemort distrusted more then Severus. Despite his cruelty and bloodlust, Severus at his heart was a simple, narrow-minded man. At the core of Severus' shady loyalties and dual personas was a very simple code: the Auror's code of honor. Everything Severus did, he did for honor be it his own or that of the fallen. His actions were driven by his view of right and wrong. Friend or foe, Severus made little recognition to either when it came to achieving his goals. Voldemort's mind drifted back to the young, grieving Auror that Jacqueline had brought to him that night many years ago. He smiled. "But you know something of betrayal…" 

_Safe. _

It wasn't until Severus had bolted himself in his bedroom at Hogwarts that he finally paused to catch his breath. He made no attempt to quell the shaking that overcame his entire or the nausea that twisted painfully in his stomach.

_ "Don't make a sound…" _

Severus brushed his hand over his sweat soaked hair and tried to hold back the uncontrollable sobs that racked his body. He threw himself on his bed and buried his head into the pillow, trying desperately to hold back the memories that came hurtling towards the surface.

_ Green light…over his house…no, that's not possible. _

_ Melanie wasn't breathing…and the child was crying in the background… _

_ "Quiet Jude, you'll wake her…" _

_ "At what time Mr. Snape did you…" _

_ "Why did you do it, Alexander…" _

_ You've always hidden behind a mask… _

_ "Don't make a sound…" _

_ Just keep walking…don't think about that. _

_ He's asking when did I become a traitor… _

_ "Why did you betray us?" _

"Forgive me!" Severus screamed into the darkness but of course no one answered him back. "Billy, please understand…I'm sorry." The sobs that broke the night's silence echoed throughout the school halls although none who heard it thought it human. The sound was too animal, too base and intense that no human could produce such a damning noise that shook the hearer to the soul. It was a cry of the damned. "Forgive me!" 

Severus gradually felt the torrent of emotion ebb and disappear back into the deep regions of his heart. Slowly and painfully, his breathing calmed and the shaking dulled but, despite his exhaustion, he couldn't sleep. His body ached for rest, for the deep, dreamless coma that sleep promised him. 

And did something he hadn't done for years. Pulling the covers from his bed, Severus threw them into the corner of his room opposite the windows, near the door. He arranged the thick blanket like a jumbled mess, barely cushioning the hard, cold floor. Then pulling his thin sheet over his frame, he curled into a fetal position with his back against the wall. He propped his arm for use as a pillow. 

Just like he had slept those many nights in Azkaban. 

_ Cold, private, dark and dank but save. That's all that mattered. Let the nightmares come…and the beatings…let them come with the Dementors and their Judas' Judgment…let them think whatever they wanted. In here they couldn't touch him. _

_ In here, he was safe…almost…_

Severus took his mask and slid it over his features. In the pale moonlight, he could see the world through thin veils of silver tears that his mask, his only shield, kept hidden from the world. With his mask, he was invulnerable and... 

Safe. 

And Severus slept. 


	7. Six for Gold

Count them… 

One… 

The first one to fall was the Auror watcher who patrolled the bay that allowed each boat to come and go. The only sound he made was his body hitting the cold, stormy ocean. The Dark Prince smiled contently under his mask and stepped off the boat. No sign of the previous days and restless nights were evident in his cool, calculated walk. 

Two… 

The guard to the left of the entrance. Snape allowed Crabbe the honor of that kill. Crabbe did it clumsily and loudly. When it was over, he looked over to the Dark Prince. Snape muttered a curse under his breath. "Remind me to hurt you." 

"Yes sir." 

Three… 

The guard to the right. It took Nott longer then expected to break the charms and the other five Death Eaters began to squirm uneasily. Severus leaned against the doorframe, almost lazily and watched him work. 

Nott began to fumble in the darkness. 

Severus smirked. "You didn't spend time here, did you?" 

"No. Is it true what they say?"  
"It's like being everyday in hell." Snape whispered in a deaden voice. "But now it's time to make sure they pay." 

Don't think about it… 

He looked towards the main building where the bulk of the imprisoned Death Eaters were held. His hand found his way to his coin that he began to twirl between his fingers. It looked almost like if he was bored but the movement reassured him. 

"And open says me…" Nott said, as he pushed open the gates. 

_And part of me loved you so… _

Shane Durant looked up his boots and suddenly came face to face with the color gold. Three gold lines posed perfectly over his left eye and almost like the scars remaining after an animal's vicious swipe. Gold lines adorned a glittering eye that was cold and unforgiving. 

The Dark Prince moved through the building with a grace that mesmerized. He was wearing a simple cloak that swirled around his ankles by the cool night. Shane began to shiver. 

"My god…" 

"That's a good idea. Start praying." The Dark Prince whispered. He turned to the man on his left. "Go and gather the civilians together, take them into main yard. If anyone tries to move, kill them." He turned to his left. "Disarm the Aurors as they neutralize them." 

A Dementor glided towards him and seemed to hesitate. Snape stepped forward and bowed deeply. Then, as he rose, the swung Shane towards the creature. "Bon appetite, milord." 

The screams could be heard throughout the prison. Shane's cries were the first of many; some in complete terror while others were of sheer joy. Snape opened the doors of many the gates himself. The terrors of Azkaban came flooding through his mind with each slamming door. 

Natalie Lestrange, who had not seen her husband in nearly 15 years, burst into tears when she saw Snape. She ran to him, kissed him, and then punched him. 

Severus staggered back from the shock. He nursed his jaw and stared at her. 

"What took you so long?" She demanded. 

Severus kneeled. "Forgive me, dear heart. But don't you have something better to do then break my jaw?" 

"Like what?" 

"Natalie." Called Adrien Lestrange in a breaking voice. He was standing but with help from Avery and Nott. 

"Hey get a room!" He called after Natalie when she ran to her husband. "Or better yet, go to Akel Dama. There's food, clean clothing and something else waiting for you." 

"What?" Adrien asked. 

Severus smiled softly. "Your daughter." 

"Is he back? Does…he know me?" Barty Crouch whispered softly. Crabbe was holding the man by his shoulders. Crouch looked at Snape expectantly. "Is he…" 

"Your Master calls you." Snape whispered. He felt a shiver run up his spine. "He wants his son." 

The joy on Crouch's face overwhelmed Snape. He turned away towards the door leading towards a cell so dank and cruel, it was called the pit. 

The Pit was reserved for the most dangerous and darkest. It had been his home for two years and after that had until two years ago held the supposed the Dark Prince, Sirius Black. 

Now it held, according to every report, Jack the Ripper. Snape opened the door slowly, trying desperately to keep the shaking down. He stepped quietly into the room. 

And came face to face with the Hit Wizard Jena Key. 

"My son is a raven…" The witch murmured softly, before turning towards the window to stare out. 


	8. Seven for a secret never to be told

Author's Note: My sincerest apologies for reposting the previous chapter! Let this be a lesson to people, never post at 4 am. Sorry again... 

It occurred to Severus as he watched the woman ripped the mask from her face that nobody had ever seen Jacqueline Eames' real face or knew that the elusive Jack the Ripper's name was Jacqueline. Outside the circle of Death Eaters, she didn't exist. 

And he had been aware of Malone's thirst for revenge and his plans to kill Severus or at least try it. But what Severus had not known, at least until he saw the woman remove the mask from her face, was the amount of gall the woman possessed. 

Or the amount of cunning she had. Or the extent of her love for him. 

Severus tightened his grip on Harry's shoulders as he watched the witch slice into Galen McKenna. A moment later he watched "Jackie" reveal and in turn panic at the sight of the false Dark Prince. As he watched the scene, the truth began to form in his mind. 

People always assumed Jacqueline was loyal to Severus only because he was the person in power. Because he had been revealed as a spy during the years after the Dark Lord's reign and had taken a job under Dumbledore, overzealous Death Eaters like Malone would smell weakness where none existed and would in turn try to overthrow the Dark Prince. That was something she simply couldn't have allowed. It was probably Jacqueline who approached Malone with the idea of ensuring he didn't return from this mission. 

That was why Malone went along with the ruse, arguing and reacting to Jena Key as if she was the real Ripper. Severus only wondered two things: in what shadowy corner Jacqueline was hiding in as she preformed the Imperius Curse on the witch and when did she make the switch. 

He smiled. He loved that woman. So, he decided, he better play his part. He released Harry slowly. "You should have known better, Jacqueline."

The voice was smooth, hypnotic and deadly. It seemed to echo through the Grand Hall, like a voice of God. 

The memory of that night stung Snape as he watched the woman before him. Jena was nobody to him yet it was the crime he had committed against her had haunted him. He had condemned her to Azkaban by his silence. The price of protecting Jacqueline was never suppose to have gone that high. He had underestimated Dumbledore's grief over Hawke's death, over all the deaths that night. 

That night had called for a reckoning, for Death Eater blood, but instead he had delivered up Jena. 

_Don't make a sound… _

"Forgive me…" He whispered, refusing to stand silent. 

Jena looked at him incredulously. She did a little dance towards him. Through her craze and insanity, she whispered. "Don't think about it." 

He wasn't even sure why he had done it. The reasons seemed lost on him. He was suppose to have changed. He was suppose to have become a good guy or at least someone trying to redeem himself in the eyes of who? God? Albus? His daughter? 

Himself? 

He led Jena to the main yard and gave her to Avery. "Take her Akel Dama and have Babbitt to care for her. She is all that matters." 

Avery nodded. "But what about them?" 

Snape looked over to civilians huddled together in the gym. There were over sixty people there. The Dementors hovered just outside the gym's doors, awaiting his signal. Snape stared into the faces of each one; he knew he couldn't afford to deny the Dementors their meal but could he afford that many more on his, if he had one, conscience? He stared at them forever. 

"They need to die." Whispered a female voice besides him. 

He turned and regarded the Death Eater's purple eyes coldly. "Haven't enough innocents suffered for you?" 

She regarded him with an equal gaze. "Ask Natalie if these people are innocent." 

Severus felt his heart torn in two. So many people had died by his word…so many… "Lock them in, leave them be." 

"What?" Avery demanded. "Lord Voldemort said-" 

"Voldemort is not in charge here, I am." Severus hissed, knowing the words were suicide. "Leave them be, not one is to be harmed." 

"And what shall we give them?" 

Severus looked at the Dementors. "My lord offers you something greater then these. If you take these now, the Ministry will come and try to destroy you, if you wait till the Ministry falls, you can have your fill." 

The creatures seemed to consider this, Severus felt nervous watching them. The effects of being so close to him where wearing on him. He felt a woman's arms wrap around his arm for support and he was grateful for it. The Dementor's leader finally nodded and then turned to glide away, leaving the feeling of death in their wake. 

A moment later, he heard Avery lock the doors of the main gym. Then screaming followed it. Screaming, that try as he might, Severus could not block from his mind. 

Akel Dama was a chaotic and filled with the dregs of humanity. Severus made it to his room after downing half a bottle of whiskey and writing a quick excuse to Dumbledore that read as followed: 

_Something's big is happening tonight. Don't know what it is but am trying to gather information. Find a sub for my classes…test on Shirking potion for 3rd. years. _

_S.S _

Severus took a long drink from the whiskey as he read over the note. He was a hypocrite. His mind drifted to Jena…

"I should have died that night in the pub. Someone like me should never be allowed to live." 

"If you had died, sixty people would have died tonight." 

He hadn't realized Jacqueline was in the room. She walked over to him slowly, cautionously like one would approach a tiger at bay. He didn't have the strength to throw her out or the will to. She took the bottle from his hand and set it on the table. 

"I hate you." He told her. 

She looked at him with her eyes of cool steel. "But you need me." 

"Yes, I do." With that, Severus grabbed her and kissed her. 


	9. Eight for Heaven

Author's Note: Sorry for the mistake in the last chapter this story is almost over...please enjoy r/r.

Skin of alabaster and ivory, perfectly formed and incredibly gentle. Arms, hands and shoulders, all strong and tense from a life of work and scarred from times she hadn't move fast enough from the oncoming curse. Her left arm was propped over him and he could feel the Dark Mark's scarring on his back. He turned his attention to her black, curly hair that trailed down her back, over her shoulders and around her angelic face. Eyes, closed with sleep, were round and the only hint of her age. Thin wrinkles formed at the corners of her eyes but didn't injure her overall beauty. 

Severus looked at the woman next to him and traced her side, from neck to shoulder, to arm to thigh and then to her belly. He studied the woman who had so changed his life so drastically and now lay besides him after making love. 

Jacqueline, the woman he loved and hated with the same passion and determination. He stared at her, debating his life and if he even deserved to love her or her him. Did they deserve to love yet alone have the right to live? He took her cheek into his hand and let it linger. 

"People like us don't belong out there!" She was saying and she was pointing to the world beyond Voldemort's haven. 

Part of him agreed with her but couldn't understand why. "I'm an Auror, Jackie!" It sounded like a stupid excuse and one made by a man who already lost the battle he was waging against himself. 

"Leave them!" She pleaded. "You belong with us…with me…" 

She kissed him then and for the first time since he had left Melanie, he felt the devotion of another person for him. She offered him the world and more then that, she offered him her love. And at that moment it seemed more important to him then life, legacy or even honor. He wrapped his arms around her. "Alright, I'll go…" 

He had barely turned 20 when he had made that choice and now almost 20 years later he was still paying for it. He owed everything in the last years to this woman- if he hadn't of joined her he would have remained unhappily married to a woman, or he would have been killed. He also would have never met Melanie again and in turn Kaiya would have never been born. 

And all those people wouldn't have died. 

This was the time the nightmares came and so he was a little surprised when none entered his mind. He was even more surprised when the shaking didn't come, or the nausea that he had experienced ever since his return to Hogwarts after starting the war. Those people didn't matter when Jacqueline was near. The dead stayed dead when she was with him and with her, he didn't have to pretend. 

With her, he didn't need his mask. He could be the monster that his pristine mask hid just as easily as he could be the tortured human, the man. He could hate her but he couldn't deny he needed her. 

Jacqueline was awaken to the man she loved moving besides her to take her into him arms. She felt him against her and smiled to herself. She kissed his shoulder blade and moved her way up to his mouth. "Do you still hate me?" 

"Don't talk." 

She obeyed. She let the world be drowned out for them, if only for this moment. She closed her eyes and fought back the tears that were welling up. She knew this wouldn't last. He didn't belong to her now. 

He belonged to them now. To Albus Dumbledore, Benjamin Laud, Remus Lupin and Kaiya Alchemy; he belonged to their rules, their loyalties, and even their sins. Somewhere over the time she had been away, he had changed. 

He was no longer the Dark Prince, not anymore. Now it seemed he was someone, something else. The idea of her Severus being a teacher still amused her immensely but she understood why. He had always wanted a family of his own, he never had to tell her that but she had always known. Being so close to children, watching them grow, protecting them and maybe even helping them grow, helping them become strong; that had been both his penitence and his perdition. 

But he still needed her for one thing. She needed to show him he had to be both now; Prince and Potions Master, Death Eater and House Head, he had to be all of that now and more. She had to show him he needed to be it all, and a spy. 

Only then would he be free of the demons that haunted him. Then, he would be free of her too. Jacqueline kissed him softly. 

She would miss him. 


	10. Nine for Hell

Severus Alexander Snape was through his father's side, a member of one the oldest families in England, and by his mother one of the richest. He was trained by the greatest minds alive and had completed his schooling at the top of his class. He had also married well and was widowed in turn therefore only adding to his wealth, his real estate, and his prestige as an aristocrat. 

As an Auror, he had been one of the best and as an apothecary he had excelled. He had perfected several potions and even created various brews to add to his reputation. He had been employed at Holms College as a researcher, and had a professorship there if ever he decided to leave Hogwarts. Rumor had it he had even been up for the Headmaster job at Durmstang, a post he declined. He was among the most respected men in the Potions field, a master dueler, and incredibly suave when he wanted- or needed- to be. And finally, what was easily his greatest accomplishment, he had earned the respect of both Dumbledore and Voldemort and had found himself, almost miraculously so, in a position of trust and weight with each. 

But none of that impressive resume could save him as he stood before Lord Voldemort with the unforgivable sin of saving lives. Sixty lives to be exact. Snape was standing erect and at attention with an impassive, almost bored, expression on his face. His only sign of nervousness was not from his mannerisms but from his dress. He was wearing black tailored trousers, and a slim lined, double-breasted jacket with silver and gold around the cuffs. He was wearing a riding cloak with the same Asian like design around the edges of his cloak. However subtle it was, he was wearing color, color at least according to him. The fact that he determined to meet his fate dressed like a gentleman proved to Jacqueline he wasn't planning on coming back from this meeting. Or maybe, as a cruel afterthought, that's what he intended. 

"You asked for Azkaban and I delivered." He was saying. "You did not ask for their lives." 

"It was expected!" 

"Nothing should be excepted or assumed, that is what you taught me. You wanted your servants and I gave them to you; they are recovering in my house and are free to come and go as they please. Your appearance is expected shortly however so…" 

"Cruio!" Voldemort shouted and Snape crumbled to the floor. 

_ Don't make a sound…_

He forced himself to take a kneeling position, one of both servitude but also dignity. He had never allowed himself to be anything but proud, even as he yearned to scream. Never did he allow a moment's weakness in front of Voldemort and that had earned him his respect. Voldemort had never conquered him. Even as a servant, he had been his own master.

_Don't make a sound…_

He bit his lip, trying not to scream. But suddenly it hit him and he smiled. Somewhere in the shadows of the abandoned room, Jacqueline saw that smile and worried. Why couldn't he scream? The pain was real and so was that constant torment he lived in. Mere dreams had conquered him so why should Voldemort be spared the image of his Prince begging like a coward. He was nothing without his strength and that was buried somewhere in time. So Severus decided to let Voldemort see what he had become. He would stop playing this game.

And the Prince cried out for mercy. 

Time seemed to slow to long, agonizing eternities. The silence around him was tangible and thick. Voldemort seemed thrown off by his lieutenant's display of humanity. For a long time his red, snake like eyes bored into Severus, judging, considering and even disbelieving. He twirled his wand lazily and tried to decide what to do now his Prince had proved himself vulnerable. "I should kill you now, dear Prince." 

"Then do it milord. If I have displeased you, kill me now. Or if it pleases you my Master." He said it like a curse and his words were becoming rapid and feverish. "Call together your servants and let them see me like this. Or tell them, tell the world that he broke his knees and wept like a coward. Tell them whatever you will and do whatever you will." He felt the weight of the world suddenly come to bear. "But do it!" 

Voldemort looked at him with contempt. He rose from his seat and walked towards the man cowering before him, all respect for him gone. Severus looked up at him with a little fear. Voldemort couldn't stand to see it in his Prince's eyes. He turned away. "Be gone when I return, and do not come less bidden. You are dead to me and pray I do not make that so." 

Severus heard the doors slam behind him and he broke down in sob, ignoring the still voice telling him to be silent. 

"Not a god," Jacqueline whispered softly emerging from her shadow. She began to circle around the kneeling image of the man she loved. "Not a Prince…" 

"Be silent, Jackie." He warned. He didn't need to hear her now. He couldn't bear to hear her now. To hear the darkness and all its promises, tempting him, calling to him. He couldn't bear that longing, that forbidden love, not right now. It hurt too much without it. 

"Not even a man, barely a slave." She hissed softly. "Oh how the mighty have fallen." 

"Silence, Jacqueline…" 

"A coward and a fool and a bastard to top it all." She placed her boot on his knee, close to his chin. The mud was soiling his pant leg. "And I saw Satan fall like lightening!" She laughed scornfully, it echoing around the room loudly. "No wonder all those you loved died…" 

"I'll kill you!" He shouted, jumping to his feet and throwing her back. "You little bitch, I'll kill you!" 

"If that's what it takes to get you on your feet and stop feeling sorry for yourself." He double back and stared at her. She was looking murderous. "Do you think you're the only one who's ever gone through a crisis of faith or are you just the only one that mattered?" 

"What are you talking about?" 

"That is what this is, isn't? Don't try to say I'm lying either but do tell me this what or who made you lose your nerve?" 

"Go away and leave me!" 

"I can't you see because if I do, people will die." 

"People die everyday! It's just our decisions that lay out their names! Why on earth should I, out of the millions of people in the world, why should I decide who lives and who dies? Why am I the one who decides right and wrong for those people? Do you understand that my choices, no my whims, are often the only thing that saves someone?!? How many people died because of my whims? How many families won't see tomorrow because I didn't want them to!" The dam had broken and all the secrets, sins and guilt he had pent up for twenty years came flooding out. Severus was torn between his will and his own humanity. 

"Too many but that doesn't give you the right to stop!" 

"Why not? I've done more then any man could, more then any man should. I started a reign a terror and helped end it and began a new war! There's too much blood on my hands to have peace!" 

"You're right, you don't deserve peace and you don't deserve rest but you don't have the right to allow yourself to be so depressed that you stop living!" 

"Do you know who Harrison was?" He shouted in anguish. 

"No." 

"No one. No one important and he thought his only worth came from his history, his family." Severus let a cruel smile appear but his eyes were sad. "He was no one, not yet anyways but he was on his way. He had such promise." 

"Like the Heir of Akel Dama…" She whispered softly. 

But Severus wasn't listening. "He was smart, and quiet, and kind but most of all- he was just a kid. A kid who died because I faltered." 

She was watching him and she understood. Harrison had been more then his student or even his Prefect. Harrison had probably been his protégé and yet another child that Severus had mentored. She felt her heart break, yet he had fallen in love with yet another child that wasn't his. Such a simple man he was, to want something so innocent. "It wasn't your fault…" 

"That doesn't matter!" He shouted. "How many died because of me!" 

"How many are alive because of you!" 

"So it that how it works? A life for a life? I traded a life for a life!" 

"Sometimes for the greater good…sacrifices have to be made." 

"Well the sacrifices got to be too much!" He said. "I couldn't save him!"

  
"But you saved those sixty people, those sixty innocents from a fate worst then Harrison's!" 

"They don't matter to me! He did!" 

"If you had to choose between saving Harrison and saving those sixty, who would you choose? Look deep in your heart before you answer, Auror." 

"I am not that man! Alexander is buried with his family, with Billy, Dahlia, and Dora!" 

"So is he dead until you need him! He is a ghost unless he must save lives?" 

"He couldn't save the ones he loved! He couldn't save them! I couldn't save Harrison!" 

"But you saved Harry Potter!" 

"I couldn't save Sara Austin, or Hawke, or Marcella Fudge. My god Marcy was a child and I ordered her death! She's dead because of me!" 

"Susan Bones, or Dumbledore and you even saved a bastard like Remus Lupin! And if you were given the choice between Harrison and those sixty, I know who you would choose." She softened her voice. "And it's not because you love or hate them, or even that you want to, it's because you can't be anything else." 

"I can't do it anymore, Jackie." He whispered defeated. He had maneuvered to sit against a wall, with his knees to his chest and his arms around them. He had a dead look in his eyes and when he spoke it was devoid of emotion. "I couldn't save Melanie…and I don't have the strength to fight anymore." 

"But you need to." 

"I know but how? I can't, I don't know how too. This is all new to me." 

"It's called guilt and bury it deep." 

He began to ask how but as he looked up, he saw his face. He took it into his hands, the pure, pristine ivory mask that betrayed no emotion, no fear, no remorse and no regret. The gold scars, his scars, glittered but betrayed nothing. Severus lifted the mask over his face and let it rest, perfectly posed. He felt like himself again in that private prison of pure white. 

His Azkaban. 

_ Cold, private, dark and safe… That's all that mattered. Let the nightmares come…let them think whatever they wanted. In here they couldn't touch him._

His sanctuary. 

_ He was safe…finally._


	11. And ten for the Devil's own sel'

"Severus." Said Dumbledore, turning to him. "You know what I must ask you do. If you are ready…if you are prepared…" 

"I am." 

But he wasn't, hadn't been then and had never thought he would be again. He had gone through last summer and this year believing he could just wing it and trek haphazardly through Voldemort's world without being affected and he had found just how false he had been. Voldemort's call was just as seductive as it had always been. It would always be seductive, just as it was to all men, Albus Dumbledore included. The choice between what is right and what is easy was a constant struggle for everyone, and because he had tasted the goods, it was even more a struggle for him. 

His entire life he had struggled against one fate or another. As a boy, he had rebelled against his legacy. As an Auror, he had rebelled against their code. As a Death Eater, he had rebelled against the memory of his better times. He had spent his entire life believing he couldn't be one thing and the other. He had always wanted to hide from a fate he thought he could not escape and Voldemort had offered him a mask. 

But now, he had to be all. He had to be Auror and Death Eater, House Head and Dark Prince, Potions Master and yes, Angel of Death. It had taken him most of his life to discover and in turn accept that. It was not an easy fate but it was his. Severus A. Snape wasn't exactly sure he wanted it but since when did that matter to the powers that be? 

"Slow year?" The voice of Albus Dumbledore broke his musings and brought him back to reality. He was walking to the End of the Year feast when Dumbledore had requested a word. The Headmaster smiled gently. "I mean after all, you've gone through the entire year without trying to expel young Mr. Potter." 

"I wasn't here for the first semester and well, for the second one…well, perhaps I'm just getting old." Snape offered snidely. He straightened the cuff of his solid black robes and brush a strand of hair from his face. "Is that all?" 

"Of course not." He said in a darker tone. "Mr. Moody and Gideon wanted me to ask you a few questions about the attack on Azkaban." 

"Oh, was there an attack? I didn't realize that. I understood it to be a prison break." He laughed slightly. "Of the entire fortress." 

"Severus, behave." 

"Always Headmaster, please continue." 

"Do you know who was behind it?" 

"I think it would be safe to assume my Lord Voldemort was behind it." 

Dumbledore decided not to stress over Snape's use of the word, 'my' or his snide rebuttal. "And the Death Eater used in this attack?" 

"I know there were 7, including the Dark Prince." 

"Did you ever discover who the Dark Prince was? If we found out his identity…" 

A man still needed to have his secrets. Gideon knew and Remus knew and that was quite enough good guys that needed to know, everyone else could believe either that the Dark Prince was lie and had never existed at all or that it was just a persona used by various Death Eaters to spread fear. Snape decided to chose his words carefully. "If you discovered who he was, he would be killed and another would take his place just as quickly. Besides he spared the lives of the people on the prison, that should be enough for you." 

Albus stopped and gave him a knowing look. "Spared or saved?" 

"Don't get caught up on words, Professor." Snape warned. "Unless, of course, you're doing a crossword puzzle." 

Dumbledore allowed that. He smiled at him with a twinkle in his eyes before entering the Great Hall. Severus was about to follow him when he felt someone touch his shoulder. He turned and met Jacqueline's eyes. He smirked and glanced around the hall. "We really need to look into a better security system." He kissed her and then, in a slightly serious tone, "So are you here for business or pleasure?" 

"To say goodbye." 

He stopped and stepped back, confused. "But I thought…this life…" 

"Is your life, not mine." It was then he noticed she wasn't looking him in the eye. She was staring at the floor and she was crying. 

"But our life…" 

"Anything that was ours was created and enjoyed twenty years ago." She thought of her son. She wanted to tell him, and leave him with what was truly theirs. She wanted to give him what he had always had but never knew it. "But now my Prince…" 

"For once, call me by my name." 

"Severus, its over now. You belong to them," She motioned through the doors to Dumbledore and Sinistra. "You belong with them." 

"But I need you. Who am I without the woman, I love?" 

"You don't love me, I don't know if you ever did. But you did need me, to help you become what you are." She swallowed hard. She wouldn't let him see him cry. Oh, god did she want to tell him. She wanted to tell him that she loved him and that she was all he needed. 

He was quiet for a long time then looked up and smiled softly. "But I love you, I've always loved you. I know I do, even if you don't know." He was going to lose her, like he did with Melanie and Drucilla. He couldn't again. "I don't even know why?" 

"Because I was the only one you loved that you never had to protect. You never needed to be anything but who you are, all of you, not just one part." She seemed to read his mind. "You can't lose me, Severus. I'll always be near you." She smiled. "The guardian angel of the angel of Death." She kissed him again, for the last time it seemed. Then she turned to leave. 

"We could have been grand together, Jackie." He called. "We could have been…" 

All hell, she thought to herself, she could at least give him this one thing. After all didn't he deserve it? If the world was just she could tell him. "We were grand together Severus…" 

He smiled. "If I hadn't met Melanie…" 

_Don't make a sound…_

She closed her eyes. "But it does not do to dwell on dreams, and forget to live…or love." She looked back. "Take care of Astra, you arrogant prick." 

He laughed and said he would. He watched her till he couldn't see her anymore then turned and walked into the Great Hall. 

Alone. 


End file.
